literally had 100 drinks last night.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Randomize
