Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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