Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
