I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
