meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
