Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
