I puked a lego.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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