I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
