I can't watch pbs sober anymore
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
