I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
