It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
