Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
