I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
