There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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