Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He felt like a one man threesome
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
