The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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