Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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