So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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