just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
