i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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