i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
