I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
