that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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