going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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