She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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