my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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