I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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