Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
We don't watch enough power rangers
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
