im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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