she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
