Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
