First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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