If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
