If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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