You really coming over, don't trick.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
