I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
