Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
