i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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