oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
