I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
