I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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