He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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