That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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