I think I won the penis lottery.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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