life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
