My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
