I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
