You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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