Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
