god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Randomize
