One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
