Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
